here i stand...

I stood today and watched the snow falling with charm and grace...

I wondered if it knew I was here watching. I am here praying to find the strength to move forward. Out of the blinding foggy snow and make a new mark on my journey.

It is so easy for everyone to say make the call, you have to do it you have no choice. You know, life has kinda been this way, not letting me decide. doing things to make sure others are ok. I didn't want to make the call. I didn't want to hear the words I wanted this to been a bad dream. The kind you wake up from knowing you had it but gratefully unable to remember no matter how hard you try.

It isn't going to be this simple. I have a spinal cord tumor and it has got to go..The surgery is scheduled and everyone is breathing more easily today. Except me. One of my symptoms is the loss of balance...and I am without balance everywhere not only where I stand. In this life as it swirls around me, waiting for me to move onward. But I am fixed to this one spot, fearing the next step forward, for I know to move onward I must step backward.

Strong willed, they say about me. I am known as, determined. Strong is not how I would define myself most days. I am a survivor not a fighter. This is going to take a fight.

As I share the news with the ones around me, they shake their heads in disbelief, and then they go home and are grateful today they don't need the strength to carry on. They offer words they truly don't understand or are even sure of. They get to be weak, they get to pass by in life and continue free. Free of the worry , the pain.

I am to move forward grateful that each of them don't have to understand, have to feel the pain, or worry. I am grateful I am allowed to carry this burden with me, because this I do not wish for anyone to bear.

I admire this tree often, it stands alone in a field along a highway we travel. It is rooted and strong. Although it is small in the world as trees may go, it is rooted. It has made its claim on this earth for its time. The winds blow past, life passes this tree quickly and it is rooted.

Rooted with the strength to endure, it is strong willed.

I am rooted with gratitude, and will. I believe I can overcome. I just sometimes don't understand why I have to always be the forgiver, the survivor, the rooted one.

I Believe that I am rooted in this world to continue to grow, I Believe I am a survivor. I Believe in my will. ( I also Believe this sucks...)Carry on world....

~L