Thursday, January 28, 2010

turn around.....

Saturday night in MN and it is raining, this is NOT a good thing. Everything had been postponed due to the weather and we are on our way home. It has been 6 weeks since I've driven a vehicle, and it is winter raining and that weird hard to see dark out.

We decided to pick Mr. C. up from work and he wants to run a few errands. Let me explain since my surgery Mr.C. has stepped up to the plate, he has been wonderful and must do everything. This includes grocery shopping, he decides his shopping will be at the Super Walmart ( just so we know, that's not me, I prefer the Target and local grocery) Reasons are for another time and place. Keep in mind I need a cart to hold me up. He asks, "Do you want to wait in the car?" You know I must be desperate to get out....cause I get out and go in.

This place takes time, he is not the most organized shopper, but he tries. It is getting late and I so NEED to be horizontal in bed.

Homeward bound we now are...Finally the road we take to get home is a 2 lane heavily travelled road. It is black out! As we are winding down the big hill, I comment on the darkness. We are in a pile of cars heading out of town and everyone is driving with caution. I mean it is raining in MN in Jan. Did I mention it is freezing.

We cross the bridge, which I notice for the first time. We spot a car that has slid into the ditch on a icy side road. Then out of the corner of my eye there's this girl along the highway waving her arms for help. She is in a thin black sweatshirt, my husband didn't see her. Are you sure there was someone? Yes....I made him go back...Sure enough two young women from out of state.They were trying to turn around and are lost, having never been here before were really lost.They were scared and the cellphones weren't working. (They never do in the dip)

We stay with them, got them a tow and went on our way. We are happy to report they got to the concert safe and sound, and better yet got home okay. We got a sweet email from them yesterday and it melts our hearts.

Our gift of the day...we turned around....

There are so many days that I'd give anything to turn around and go back. Then other days will be filled with, "I hope to never see this day again". Life decides.

No matter how planned we are, laid out, thought ahead, saved for, time lined, life ecides. It always wins. It gets to choose. It plans. Not us.

It's been 41 days since I have been here and really even more than that, since I have really been here. I have been stuck. Life keeps happening around me.

I have often said that I'm not afraid to die, it's all things I'd miss that I'm afraid of.

Well here I am and I am afraid I've miss a few things, life keeps going even when you have to stop and that sucks. I kinda wanted it to just wait for me to catch up, to climb back on and work hard to keep going. There was part of me that just wanted to stop and needed to stop and breathe. Life has gotten to heavy and I am working to release myself from it.

What began as hip and lower back pain. A routine visit. Became so much more and not that at all. By the time I was done, I was in the hospital and under the weather for 6-8 weeks. Which as it is turning out will probably be another surgery and more time to heal. For crying out loud.

At this point we are blessed....I am blessed....I really think it only takes one to believe in a miracle. I am part of less than 10% according to the doctors. Then why is it I feel so damn crummy.
I should be rejoicing. Don't get me wrong I am grateful and I know how lucky I am. I am however having a hard time wrapping my head around it. People ask how are you doing? Fine. I'll say....Well, no not really.

So I decided yesterday that everything counts... Would I do it over way ( yes, I had no choice)...I would have planned better and tried hard to drive life in the direction I wanted. This time it got to choose, or is that the way it always is. I am just that naive to believe I have some control. Maybe letting go of the control is what hurts the most. I got to thinking about this at 4 am and I pretty sure I'd feel better if I let go and release the control.

We were meant to drive that night in bad weather. I was meant to be out for one of the first times in weeks. I was meant to see her. I was even meant to go into Wallyworld and shop randomly and unorganized. I was meant to have this surgery and have this time to be crummy. I am not sure why yet. But, I believe I will some day know what it is all been meant for....

Today do one thing for someone, out of your box. Give mindfully.