On the outside we go day to day uneventful...The greetings of pleasantries, "How you doing?" Answer for me is always "good, good..."
I have never been one of many things to say. We were raised to be seen and not heard.
It is not a bad thing necessarily, it taught us to be private when we needed to be. It taught us humility, respect, privacy, and that sometimes things are just better unsaid.
With that came a man who wants it all on the table. Everyday to tell me how he feels and look me in the eye. To share the ups and downs together. With that I have often stumbled. Often times having to tell me to say it, and say it like you mean it. For a quiet man he is honestly open about many things that I was not raised to say or do. Honestly, I think that it has been an extraordinary experience, to live in this outspoken life and it has brought me full circle in some ways. I have always been one, "to buck the wind" as it were, that hasn't changed. Tell me left I'll go right out of my way to differ. But what it has taught me is to raise this awesome human being in a whole another world of positive thinking. To talk to her, love her out loud and praise her everyday. The most I raise is my voice to her. Not saying that is not somewhat powerful in it's self. But it has also taught me to soften and reflect.
I am a mere few hours now away from this tumor coming out. It is time. last night I went to bed my body begging to lay still and rest. Falling asleep isn't hard the pain awakes within about 4 hours now. It is currently winning all of my limbs and my mind. It is all I think about, when I am awake or when I am asleep. This morning I awoke dreaming I still had my hair ( which is another story in itself) and dreaming that I was taking pills to feel better. Trying to choose a color. Okay so that can't be good. I'm dreaming the discomfort and the pain wins no matter how hard I try.
It has become larger than itself and within me but on the outside of me. I hurt every moment of every day with all of my being. It is time. It is time to face this evil and let it go. It has changed me, I am again the little girl that didn't speak of her pain. The tumor is winning and I must find the strength to brave another scar in the face of this pain.
I am so tired of not just, feeling great. Great about all the things that I do and want to do. I no longer wish to feel the burden, that wears on me. I am tired of not being free of the doctors mercy and their forever running tab of bills. My sweet husband and I talked and talked about what to do and when to do it. The doctor said you have a little time, but that time is filled with this agony of pain that I take everywhere with me. My decision came to do it as soon possible, when my husband said, "we just want the old you back, before this tumor."
I can't remember her, she will have to be anew. It a time for letting go. I cut off all my hair, I donated. It was the fourth time or so...but this time I sat there and let go, and I seen the pain I have weathered in my face. I am so happy to have donated the hair. I made the mistake and someone asked why I did that and I said it out loud.."I didn't want to take it with me." In many ways I am being honest and honesty is often not wanted to be heard..."good, good" would have been better. Maybe what I meant, was that I didn't want it on this journey, and if my long crazy hair could do some good elsewhere it was time to let go. To let go of the weight of this and cut fresh. Make a new scar and be the survivor that I am.
I am more than a number, I am a strong survivor. Yet, I am still that little girl afraid to say it out loud. So lets just not, and lets move onward without this pain. I am hoping our mornings of 1:30 and 3:00 am are numbered and I will soon sleep. I will look in the mirror and see the pain leave my face. I will be, who I have lost, who they miss...because who are we, without the ones around us we treasure most. Don't they deserve a happy me.
Good day world and carry on ~L
